I didn't have time to write, so I'm filling this in.

Racial Harmony Day, or in our case, Racial Harmony Morning, was a rather welcomed break from the routine. There were four activities and four prizes that were given away for the winners of those activities. Jaguar Company, I'm pleased to say, won two out of four. The third of which we lost because the competition decided to cheat and ask a commander to participate.

But we are in no way bitter, because winner half the prizes is a big enough boost. Especially since the prizes are food items. Even the commanders were happy, gave us a little extra free time.

Of course, it was free time that we (were expected to) utlized to practise our Rifle Technical Handling test.

Friends, I tell you now, you have NO idea how difficult or nerve-wracking it is trying to load 20 rounds into an M16 magazine in other 50 seconds. But I managed in the end, after many tries and much cursing.

Overall, we didn't do too bad. I almost made a few grave errors, but managed to correct myself in time. It had more to do with being nervous about the word "test" than any actual unfamiliarity with the procedure.

Bad News. Actually, VERY bad news. It seems that I assumed too much when I promised to be back for Christmas. As my Platoon Sergeant kindly told me, in the SAF it is "Highly Unlikely". Because as a Trainee, whether in Command School or in a unit, I will not be allowed to clear leave. (So whoever read this, please leave a comment about when, aside from Christmas, you'll be back in Hong Kong).

Guess I'll have to settle for the week in September.

The parents seem to be under the impression that I should continue my studies over my weekends. In BMT. My mom even going so far as suggesting that I should be memorizing my Spanish.

I can tell you in no uncertain terms that I am NOT going to do that. I have little enough time as it is and I will NOT unhinge my rather fragile sanity by burning away the only relaxation time I have left on that infernal language. Or any other subject for that matter.

If they want me to study, they find a way to get me out of the army and into college. I assure you, I would like NOTHING more than that.
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Just as a post note to all of you. I will be in Field Camp next week, as you probably know by now. So I won't be updating until two weeks from now. Wish me luck.

-REC Marcus Sun
BMTC 1 J Company
July 22, 2007

Nothing much happened today. I didn't even have a halfway decent conversation with mom. With the helper on leave, she was too busy washing dishes.

Anyway, today was rifle drills, rifle drills, and more rifle drills. Oh, and we had strength training in our T-shirts and boots, but that's another story.

Suffice to say, it was rather exhausting.

Racial Harmony day tomorrow. No PT. But, to balance out that inadequacy, we have our rifle Technical Hnadling test ALL afternoon.

Sweet.

6km road march today. About the only physically strenous activity we had. I was soaked from head to toe with sweat.

The rest of the day was spent learning about our rifles.

By the way, I can now disassemble and assemble an M16 in under 60 seconds.

No doubt a crucial life skill.

In other news: if we don't fuck up our field camp, we get to book out on Friday the week we return. It also happens to be the week the family's here.

Not long after that is National Day. If we're lucky, we might get FO UR days off. Four days with the family.

Woohoo!

I still haven't replaced the Army notbook and now I'm not even using Mom's pen.

The "long" conversation with Mom didn't last too long yesterday. But I guess it lasted long enough. The homesickness isn't as bad today.

We're getting our rifles in a bit. Write more when I get back.
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Just got our M16's, they're lighter than our dummy rifles. Unloaded, they almost feel fake.

However, this morning we went to the range and I got a taste of just how real this thing is.

It's not like it is in the movies. All flash and no substance.

Here, there wasn't any muzzle flash, just lots and lots of smoke.

At 150 meters, a 5.56 round from the M16 is adequate for penetrating a concrete block. And the noise... Fill up a 50-meter wide balloon then pop it with a 12 inch needle. You'll come close to the report of an M16S1 assault rifle.
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Just received our rifles "officially" at the rifle presentation ceremony.

Six companies gather during nightfall and receive their weapons from their officers by torchlight. Pretty surreal experience, I admit that, for a moment, I was excited.

The M16 is quite a light weapon. No more than 3kg when unloaded. About the weight of one dumbell.

But its weight lies in the fact that it marks thend of PTP* and the beginning of BMT**. And nothing will be easy again.

Or so they say. We'll see tomorrow.

*PTP-Physical Training Phase
**BMT- Basic Military Training

I think I'mi going crazy. Don't know why. I thought I'd gotten used to it here, maybe even started to like it. But as soon as I liad eyes on that picture dad brought me*, I got a bout of homesickness that's lasted until even now. I feel like bawling. I feel like smashing my leg so I can go home.

I've realized that I am an overly sentimental person. Always had been. I ordered the last Harry Potter book over the weekend to give myself someth ing to look forward to over this week. Bought two books ABOUT Harry Potter to tide me over till then.

But I suddenly found myself depressed that the series was ending. Found myself debating whether or not to make the book last as long as possible.

Then I found myself wishing that I was pondering all this at home instead of here.

My friends, I have been in here for a month, and it has done nothing but reaffirm one truth. I hate it here.

I hate everything about this place and I strongly suspect that these two years will take away far more than it could ever give back.

Please leave comments, guys. Don't leave me hanging here. Here, I am terribly alone. Even familiar diction would help...
_____________________________________________________________________________

Today's depression is lasting a shockingly long time. Like little storm cloud that's attached itself to me. The two books on Harry Potter didn't even last me a day and my overtly sentimental self has allowed them to do nothing more than make me depressed even f urther. That'll probably be fixed for a while when I get book 7 over the weekend. Or not. We'll see.

I need to have an textended talk with Mom today. Then maybe have a talk with the Orientation Officer. I'm starting to lose my mind a little bit and who knows what the Field Camp** will do to me?

God, I'm depressed. I want to go home.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Because I was sick and couldn't participate in the IPPT, I'm getting remedial training. The good news is that it doesn't actually keep us back for a whole day. In fact, it's not that I've LOST time, it's that other people have GAINED time.

The Gold and Silver^ people get to book out on Friday. Bastards.

Just talked to Mom. Spoke a little longer this time. I'm really looking forward to their coming in August. Grandma and Grandpa should be coming too, if only for a bit.

* It now resides on the mirror in my locker.
** Field Camp- Six days and five nights of living in the jungle, doing rifle PT and combat drills.
^ IPPT has four grade levels. Fail. Pass. Silver. Gold. In ascending order.

I didn't have time to write yesterday. Filling this in at a later date.

The reason I didn't write yesterday is because I spent most of my free time drawing and sleeping. Having found that the latter is a hobby strangely easy to indulge in. Considering the amount of sleep we get, it's probably good for me.

Since I spent most of my day sleeping, there's really not much to write about. Except maybe that I'm booking out tomorrow.

Yeah.

My cough is getting worse and I could barely sleep last night because of it. The medicine ain't really helping. Might be bronchides.

My injuries are still annoying me, especially the one on my shoulder. It always has to be covered. I can't take a shower and wiping myself with a wet towel has its limits. Gonna soak in a bath when I get home.

By the way, Cee's notebook's run out of space. So now I'm writing in my Army notebook.

I intend to get a replacement very soon.

I've found that all my in-camp artwork has quite a different flavor. Maybe I'll post it up sometime. Maybe not.

The guys just got back from the Basic Assault Course*. I couldn't go because I was injured. Stayed back and watched "the Naked Gun". The BAC sounded tiring but fun. I'll be making it up with another Company.

*Basic Assault Course- an obstacle course designed to simulate a battle environment in which recruits have to practise their Close Combat fighting skills after crawling through mud and barbed wire.

Being injured like this is NOT fun. My knee stings if I stand, my shoulder stings if I lean, my elbow stings if I lie down and EVERYTHING stings if I sit.

And my cough is getting worse.

O n the bright side, my tenure as platoon IC is over due to my status. Also, there appears to be two other international kids in J Company.

Both in another platoon. Oh well.

This morning the entire company got chewed out because a few assholes didn't know how or couldn't be bothered to march properly.

We're all fucked.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, I am fucking terrified. We're all well and truly fucked.

The CSM is being chewed out by the School Sergeant Major right outside. Which means the CSM will fuck the Sergeants over, who will in turn fuck us over.

Our comfortable days are at an end.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Just called home. Spoke to Marty and Juliet. Juliet asked me when I was coming home. I desperately wanted to say "soon". I couldn't lie to her. They'll be here in August. Then maybe I'll be in Hong Kong in September. Maybe.

Regardless of when my breaks are, my days of living with them, being a part of their dialy lives, are over. I'll never be that big brother just down the corridor again.

For now, it hurts. As they grow up day by day, they'll need me less and less. They'll have their own worlds, and I'll become nothing more than a fond memory and a distant relative.

Fuck. I'm depressed again.

I fell on my face today and hurt myself. Open wounds on my shoulder, wrist, elbow, palm, and OTHER knee.

Oh, and who could forget the large red scrape on my otherwise God-like features? (A joke, ladies and gentlemen. Fancy that.)

So now I'm bandaged up like a war casualty and am excused from exercise for the rest of the week.

N ormally that'd be a good thing, but with IPPT on Monday, four days of rest makes me feel just a tad anxious.

Only two pages left in this notebook. I'll have to find a substitute soon. Dunno if it'll be the same.

Bad news. Another IPPT next Monday. If we don't improve by then, we get remedial training. Fun.

I've been made platoon IC*. I don't wanna be platoon IC. Too many eyes on me. Too much room for error. God damn it.

On the bright side, Dad's brought me a few photos from home. They're helping immensely. The days are passing much more quickly now.

Bad news again. Our Field Camp is at the end of July. Meaning I get confined for the last weekend of Jly. Meaning the family's probably better off waiting till August to come visit me. Fuck.
_________________________________________________________________________

My voice is shot. Gone. A day as Platoon IC has had me yelling more than I've ever yelled. It's a tough job.

Tomorrow's another physically hefty day. They're getting us ready for the second IPPT. I'm almost excited.

Nah, that's bullshit.

Nora was here this week, but she leaves Saturday afternoon. Just my luck.

Called her and chatted with her for a bit.

The conversation lasted a pleasant five minutes. Seems to be about how long my phone conversations last nowadays. I feel like I'm losing touch...

*IC-In Charge. The Recruit randomly selected to act as a platoon leader of sorts. Only it's all the responsibilities and none of the benefits.

I sit here in a web bar, roughly three hours away from ending my brief period of freedom. Having Dad here was a comfort unlike any other. It almost felt like old times.

My knee's getting a lot better, it at least shouldn't inhibit my training for next week. Dunno if that's a good or bad thing.

Saw the apartment today. It's very decent sized, in an excellent location, and it'll come adequately furnished. A space to call my own for a while. I'm happy.

Three bedrooms, three bathrooms, two communal rooms. Swimming pool downstairs. I could throw a party. Then again, I have no one to invite.

It'll be another two months before the deed officially shifts under our name. Until then: no tenants. Just me and the bare walls. And the laundry. Cool.

That's all for today. I'm afraid that if I keep writing I will truly and irrevocably turn Emo. Won't sink that far.

Update again next week if my notebook doesn't run out. If it does... well...

I'll find a way.

-REC Marcus Sun
BMTC 1 J Company
July 8, 2007

Halfway through the third week now. The torturing wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared it to be. Really much of the same.

For me anyway.

Had another Navy talk just now. Still not interested. Even now, the thought of two years here curls my stomache. I'm NOT gonna sign up for another three years.

Just took five minutes to draw up a design for the company T-shirt. I didn't know what the deadline was, so was rather surprised when they ordered us to turn it in before lunch.

Supposedly, the originator of the chosen design gets to book out a day early. I'd like nothing more than that. But, given the amount of time I had to work on my design, I t hink my chances are slim to none.

I reiterate: I hate it here.

Oh, and Dad came yesterday. Gonna give him a call today.
_______________________________________________________________

They actually eased off from the PT a little today. Probably for our benefit.

Had a few lectures and our Air Force talk.

Entertaining, but had the same problem as the Navy. Five years minimum.

I said it before, I'll say it again. I am not throwing away five years of my life. Even IF I can make captain.

Made contact with Dad, he was still looking at houses. Gonna call him again later tonight.

We're also getting our hair buzzed again. Fun.

Had our Army talk today. Not in the least bit entertaining or tempting.

Had our 4km road march today. As in 4km with everything on. I about buckled under the weight. It didn't help that I had an open wound on my right knee.

At least it excused me from BCCT.

Otherwise, it was an okay day. A few people (ie idiots) got confined for the weekend. Got caught sleeping when they were supposed to be area cleaning.

Have gym in a bit. May write more later. May not.
___________________________________________________________

Didn't have time to finish off. Filling in the good news here.

In record time, Dad's bought and paid for an apartment in an excellent location. It's empty for now but I don't have to worry about living quarters anymore.

Got an SMS from Mom's phone. Turned out to be from Juliet. Read it about three four times. She says here allergies* are getting better, that htey all miss me, and that they're gonna come visit me soon.

That's one more thing to help me through the days here.

*My sister has dust allergies. She goes to Shenzhen every weekend to get shots.

I should be area cleaning now, but I'm just gonna jot down a few things.

Woke up this morning and felt sore all over. Must've been the roadmarch.

Wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have such a physically hefty day today.
_______________________________________________________________

Almost died during ST* today. Still got two more PT** sessions to go. Muscles hurting like hell.

Not getting depressed as often now. Mostly because I'm too tired or too busy. God, I'm forgetting what people look like...

Still wish I was going to college instead of killing myself here. Wishful thinking. Won't get me anywhere.

Mom still hasn't called me back, guess she's seeing Dad off. He's coming today.

Get to see him soon. Hopefully he'll be able to sort out the whole housing thing.

Gonna try to get some sleep now. Write more later. I hate this place.
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Two minutes until lights out. Did way too much PT today. Gonna hit the sack now. Night.

* Strength Training. Consisting of dumbell drills, medicine ball drills, chin-up regimes, and shuttle runs.
** Physical Training of any kind.

I came back in expecting absolute hell. It hasn't started yet. In fact, it's supposed to be a relatively easy day.

I'll be holdin' my breath for that hell.

As for the easy day part... well the glaring sun always tends to complicate things. AND we have a 4km roadmarch at 3pm.

I just saw people collapse for STANDING in the sun too much.

Should be interesting.

Brought a bunch of DVDs in, but I don't think we'll have time to watch them anymore.

Gotta pack for the roadmarch now. Write more later.
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Just went through one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life. Stand by bed. Our leisurely roadmarch was cancelled so that the CSM could come around for an inspection.

This was the same man who noted my less-than-even shave and one slightly bulging pocket this morning. Needless to say, he found a shitload of mistakes.

I'm just waiting for the push-ups to start rolling in...
________________________________________________________________

The punishment for the stand by bed never came, but something else did.

The roadmarch. The 3km roadmarch in over 50lbs. of gear and under the hot sun. A roadmarch that was supposedly cancelled.

So we had 15 minutes to get our shit together and get down there. We probably took a little longer than that.

Anyway, think I got a blister on my foot now but it can't be helped.

Got a long, hard day tomorrow. Strength training, BCCT, AND speed training. Did I mention I almost fainted during BCCT today?

Anyway gonna hit the sack early today. Tired out. Dad comes tomorrow...

I'm about ten minutes away from changing into my BDUs and heading out. Back to camp and for the hell to begin. I'll try to survive.

I realize now that I didn't enjoy my weekend as much as I should have. As much as I could have. The fact that I would have to go back in eventually hanged like a storm cloud over my head. Always looming, never ready to rain and get it over with.

The fear was there. Fear of what was going to change. Fear of what would happen to me from now on. Whatever I did was colored by this fear.

I feel weak. Pathetic.

Found out that I won't be seeing Nora as much as I thought I could. She'll be travelling a lot. So I probably would only be able to see her one more time in August. Lovely.

So from now until that one time in August, I am adrift. Christ, I'm being a god damned drama queen. I need to stop this. I need to go.

Write more in camp. If I have time or if I'm still alive.

I'm writing this from the comfort of Mr. Yu's computer room. Not copying it from the Journal anymore. Just writing it down.

I am roughly ten hours away from having to pack up and head back to camp. I'm not too happy about that. In fact, I should be downright terrified. But I try not to think about it. At least I'll be able to hang out with Nora in a few hours.

Looking back at these two weeks I realize that it could've been much worse. But then, it was already pretty bad. The longest two weeks of my life.

I think I've made it perfectly clear through my ramblings that I don't want to be here. I don't want to be a soldier, but that choice was already made a long time ago. I can't change it now.

I haven't given up too many times in my life. It's one of those lessons that my father taught me. Never to give up. I don't think I'll give up on this one either. Then again, this one IS kind of special.

I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Looking on the bright side, two weeks is half a month done already. Only eleven weeks of hell left...

-Marcus Sun
BMTC1 J Company
July 1, 2007

PS: I DIDN'T go see house-hunting on Saturday after all. Mr. Yu couldn't contact the agent in time. But then, I spent most of my time online. Got to talk with some of the gang back in HK even though most of them weren't on. Happy. Content. It'll keep me going.

Bookout day. Extremely happy. Went for a roadmarch in fu ll battle gear. Looked pretty badass save for the dummy rifle.

Footdrills were easy as fuck. Our sergeant is ORDing*. Our platoon sergeant ORDs in ten months. Our new sergeant ORDs in September. That's good.

Gotta go now. Lunch. Write more later. Who knows? Might even be able to meet Nora for Dinner.
________________________________________________________________

Had a few lectures about drug abuse and ammunition safety. Most of us slept through it, just waiting to book out.

One last Stand by Area. Everything was clean. It'd better be, we spent hours slaving away over the tiniest particle of dust.

Anyway. Got into our BDUs, put our caps on, hoisted our field packs and got ready to go. In my case, I had to bring my suitcase out of there. All my worldy possessions in Singapore reside in that suitcase.

Booked out, got a fit of depression whilst on the Ferry. Partly knowing that I had to come back and partly knowing that, unlike everyone else here, I won't be seeing my family this weekend.

Stupid. Two weeks now and I still haven't shaken that.

Got out, we're booking back in at 8:20 Sunday night. Not too bad. Didn't get on the bus with everyone else. Made my own way.

Maybe getting on the bus would've been a better idea because the traffic was horrible. Took over an hour to get to Mr. Yu's house (which turned out to be actually pretty far). Nora couldn't do anything today because her father actually got home today.

Gonna go have dinner or watch a movie on Sunday instead. Good enough.

*Official Release Date. Synonymous in NS to getting the fuck out of the Army.

Just one day 'till our brief moment of freedom. Even before booking out I dread booking back in. I really don't want to be here.

Started telling lateral thinking puzzles to get rid of the boredom. If only Michael were here.

Anyway, it won'ot last long. Pretty soon our free times are going to fade away to nothingness. I better use this time to call ho me.
_____________________________________________________________

Didn't have time to write. Ten m inutes after calling home we get called to clean the abandoned training facility. Again.

Afterwards, we got an Instructor from hell. Egotistical bastard got us to move faster than we've ever moved before. Then he made us do 75 pushups. I'll be prepared when we book back in.

Oh, and Dad's coming next week. Gonna be here for the weekend. Yay.

Okay, staying at Mr. Yu's place over the weekend. Dong Dong is going through college apps., I'd distract him. Oh well, Saturday I'll go see movies and hit the web bars.

Group run this morning. 15 minutes constant jog. Nowhere near as bad as it was before. I think I detect the signs of a six pack...

Things lookin' up slightly. Apparently Mr. Yu lives really close to the island*, so that's good. However, pat of my Saturday's gonna be taken up by house-hunting. Better now than later I suppose. Mom told me to keep an eye out for good deals.
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Fits of depression are getting pretty bad. I think it's spreading to my bunkmates too. Two years of my life is going down the drain here. I'm missing two years of everything. Marty and Juliet. Mom and Dad. Grandparents.

Fuck.

So much is riding on my hope of getting into MDC. I dunno if I've mentioned this before. If I fail my audition, I don't know what I'd do.

Two years. God damn it. God fucking damn it.

I hate this shit. I hate this place. I hate basic training. I hate the damned SAF.

Fuck.

*The training camp is located on an island off the coast of Singapore. We have to take a ferry to the mainland.

Got a relatively easy day today. Lots of lectures and our first Close Combat training. Kinda looking forwrard to that.

Need to plan out what I'm doing over the weekend, every secfond outside counts.

Oh, and one more very surprising thing. There's female recruits in the camp. Yep. Girls. Here.

Just thought I oughta share that.

Oh, and apparently we draw our real weapons NEXT week. As originally expected.
__________________________________________________________

I think I've graduated from depression to moodswings. I now go through spell sin which I'm perfectly fine and times I wish I'd chosen the U.S. passport. Dunno if that's good or bad.
__________________________________________________________

Took a little truck ride to an unoccupied training facility. Whole platoon in the back of a truck. Got there and cleaned the place for over an hour before coming back on the truck.

I ki nda wished that truck was taking me home. Anyway, somebody in our platoon's already been downgraded*. I kinda envy him.

Area cleaning now, write more later.
___________________________________________________________

Stand by Area** for a long ass time. My damn knees hurt like hell. All because more and more people are getting sick.
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Had a Navy talk yesterday. It was entertaining enough. We got a few presents, well, the people in the front anyway. Apparently people like me are in high demand in the Navy.^

IUt was all very tempting except for one thing. There's a mi nimum service term of five years. No fucking way. No chance in hell I'm giving three more years of my life to this shithole!

*He had something wrong with his feet, so he was dropped from standard training and is now going through processing to become a clerk.
**Bunk inspection. Basically stand absolutely still outside your bunk while the sergeants take their good sweet time looking around.
^Because I have a high school diploma and took Information Technology.

Holy shit, been in here for a week already. On the bright side: 4 days until bookout! Gonna make the best of my weekend.

Called home. Dong Dong might not actually be back in Singapore yet, so I might be stsaying at Mr. Yu's house after all.

Good news. The physical test only comes once a month or so. Plenty of time for us to train. Got a plan already in place, just gotta stick to it. Dad just taught me a chin up trick, gonna try it soon.

Anyway, it's getting quite a bit easier now. Less homesick. Might change in a week.

Anyway, ran again this morning. By far the hardest part of Basic Training. I'll get through it.

Oh, by the way. Ghost Story man* is also apparently a Theater enthusiast. He's gonna try for MDC. We'll see what happens.

Almost rogot, got most of our field equipment today. Drawing our rifles this week.

Just as I was getting happier, the bad news hits. We usually book out on Saturday afternoons, as it turns out. Not mornings. I'm fucking pissed. Bitterly disappointed. That cuts down my expected free time by half.
____________________________________________________________

Just drew our dummy weapons. They're rubber covered metal M16s that are has heavy and as big as the real thing. We're supposed to treat it like a real weapon. Of course none of us do, and the situation quickly degenerates into a rather amusing round of mock CS. Makes me feel a little better.
_______________________________________________________________

There's bad news. More bad news. Both our lieutenant and our Platoon Sergeant are leaving in mid-August. We're gonna get new people that we don't know and who don't know us. Fucking perfect.

Also, Nora's only available to hang out Friday night. Can't ask for too much. Every little second counts.

Gonna go train for chin-ups now.

*A platoon mate of mine. Nice guy, knows a lot about the supernatural. He tells ghost stories to keep us distracted.

Five more days to bookout. Woohoo!

Anyway, just got back from speed training. It was hell, I could barely keep up. My body's full of sweat.

Fall in at 0940 hours to see a movie. That's soon. Gotta go now. Write more later.
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Wasn't a movie, it was a lecture that we already had. Imagine the Captain's surprise when we said the CSM's already talked about all that.

Anyway, called home and talked to everyone. Including marty and Juliet. They were having lunch with Bobby's family*. Funny, I almost didn't wish I was with them. I must be getting more used to it.
________________________________________________________________

Just saw "The Last King of Scotland". Good movie, deserved its praises. But then I got something else to be depressed about. I've got another five days in this shithole. Maybe I should start a countdown.

Oh, saw a video on what OCS* is like. Only furthered my resolve to get into MDC. I'm also having second thoughts about the whole NYU plan**. I have so little free time...

*My family knows Bobby's family from back in New York when the kid was playmates with my brother and sister.
** Officer Cadet School. If I qualify, I get nine months more training and then a bar on my shoulder.

For some reason I didn't have time to write yesterday. Gonna jot down a few things today.

I have to be careful about what I write in here, or so Mom says. I believe her. CSM also gave a talk on info security. Okay, careful what I write. Got it.

Oh, and apparently confinement is a punishment not lightly applied.

The whole platoon got punished today. They're starting to get serious. Good, our platoon needs to learn a lesson. We've been slacking since day one.

All the footdrills got move to today, so tomorrow we basically have free time all day. We may even get to see a movie.

Oh, and the family's gonna come see me in July.